Should I Get a Divorce? The 16 Questions You Need to Ask
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Relationships are tricky. One moment you’re in cloud 9, the next moment you hit rock bottom. While some couples manage to hit rough patches over and over again, others (even the most stable marriages) experience extreme lows, which breaks down their relationship and leads to divorce.
So, if you ask yourself: Should I get a divorce? Know that there are several factors you need to consider before getting one.
First, you need to look for the obvious signs like lack of communication or infidelity. However, just because you experience these red flags doesn’t mean you need to hire a divorce lawyer immediately. One route you can take is to see marriage counselling therapists in Windsor or Toronto. Cities like Windsor and Toronto have facilities that specialize in couples counselling and may be able to help you through this rough patch.
However, if therapy doesn’t seem to be working and you think that your marriage is beyond saving, this article will help you determine if it’s time to get divorced.
When Is the Time to Get a Divorce?
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Divorce is a dreaded word and getting one is a big decision for couples. Knowing when to get a divorce is extremely difficult and shouldn’t be taken lightly. Although we can’t exactly tell you as to WHEN you should be getting one, we have the following signs that might guide you to take the next step and file those divorce papers.
It’s time to get a divorce when:
- You’re convinced that you’re better off alone than staying in a miserable marriage.
- You and your partner are not making efforts to meet your physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.
- You’re only staying because of the kids.
- You feel unhappy, and counselling doesn’t work for you and your spouse anymore.
- Your spouse is abusing you physically and emotionally.
- You’ve lost all the trust and respect for your spouse.
- You’re meeting your emotional and physical needs with somebody else.
- You lack interest in sex with your partner and both of you are not doing anything about it.
- You and your partner refuse to give and take or share each other’s needs.
16 Questions To Ask Yourself Before Filing a Divorce
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According to Unmarry Divorce Done Differently, before you decide to file a divorce, the first thing you need to do is self-reflect. Think things carefully and ensure you ask the right questions to get the right answers. Because the moment you utter the words “I want a divorce”, you cannot take actions that will worsen the separation process or wish you could’ve done divorce differently.
So, if you’re thinking of divorce as the answer to your marriage, consider the following questions:
- Would You Feel Happier?
Before filing a divorce, you need to make sure that your partner’s drawback outweighs its positive features. Try to think about what it would cost you if you leave the marriage and if it would make you feel happier.
- What Are You Worried About?
Be honest with yourself, what fears do you have that affect your marriage. Is it rooted in the present, the future, or even the past? If your spouse made a mistake, it doesn’t always mean they’d repeat it.
- Do you Have the Same Responsibility?
In most situations, couples need to act responsibly especially when solving issues. However, couples must have a fair balance when accepting responsibilities. If one of you is pushy to make things work, then you need to do something to change it.
- What Are Your Main Problems?
Most couples break up because they fail to match their values. This means that some things are vital for you but insignificant to your spouse. Make communication clear and address these issues to ensure they understand and hear you.
- Do You Resolve Your Problems?
Remember, there’s always a better way to deal with your struggles. If you experience the same fight over and over again, make it a habit to address your problems with understanding, compassion, and acceptance. If it doesn’t work anymore, try your best to uncover the reasons for the issue.
- Are The Expectations Reasonable?
Couples must have the ability to adapt to their married life. This will help them set realistic and reasonable expectations. When both couples set unrealistic expectations for each other, disappointment and dissatisfaction will arise, which leads to marriage breakdown.
- Are You Growing Together?
Over time, our perspectives and interests can change. This helps people grow and evolve. Healthy couples do these things together. However, when you and your spouse are leaning into destructive habits and unwilling to change, this can create a damaging and unhealthy effect on your marriage.
- How Do You Communicate?
Another crucial thing to remember in marriage is to ensure that you and your partner will communicate in an affirming and respectful way towards each other. If the communication is poor, this can lead to emotional disconnection, which leads to more problems.
- How Will It Affect the Kids?
You see, divorce doesn’t only affect the couple but the kids as well. In fact, it can cause childhood trauma that definitely has lasting effects. Studies show that children with divorced parents have higher risks of experiencing anxiety, addiction, depression, heart diseases, and other physical health problems.
- How Is Your Sex Life?
For married people, facing low romantic chemistry is normal at a certain phase. However, it’s very essential to find out what’s going on when you or your partner seem uninterested every time one calls for sex. Don’t have sex if you do it out of obligation, else, it can only lead to major problems in your sex life.
- Have You Thought About Working Things Out?
Ask yourself and your partner if both of you are willing to work things out and improve your relationship. However, if you only want to make your relationship work for the sake of financial matters and your children, the better option might still be divorce.
- Have You Thought About the Alternatives?
Reflect on your marriage. What made it work before and what went wrong? Is divorce really the solution? Sometimes speaking out about your struggles in the relationship can make a difference and clear things up.
- Do You Need Advice?
Sometimes, all it takes is peer support and advice from family and friends. You can also try marriage counselling if you haven’t done that yet.
- Do You Feel Safe?
One of the valid reasons for divorce is if domestic violence is present. If you don’t feel safe anymore or if you’re constantly threatened with physical abuse, then divorce is your best shot. Remember, any type of physical abuse in marriage is unacceptable. Prioritize your safety.
- Is There Someone Else?
Another thing that creeps into marriages is infidelity. Is there anyone else other than your significant other who’s been filling in your needs? Ask yourself – Is it your friend or your co-worker you’re leaning in for emotional connection?
- Are You Physically and Financially Ready?
Divorce is not only an exhausting process but can also break your bank. So, the question is, can you afford it physically and financially? If you can’t answer this, it’s better for you to sit down, think things through before making any irrational decisions.
You see, there are plenty of things you need to think of. From researching, looking for a secure storage place near you (to store your stuff after you move out), to hiring a financial advisor to calculate your monthly expenses during the process. These things make divorce complicated and stressful.
Once you’ve answered all these questions, and the negative figures outweigh the positive ones, then divorce might be the solution to your marriage. However, if you and your spouse are willing to work it out, for sure, it will be worth the effort.